sugar spell it out!!

i don't know whether it's because i am an asshole or actually growing up, or most likely monumentally un-self-aware, but i am sick of reading females-in-their-twenties internet speak which waffles about 'feelings' (as opposed to 'thoughts') and wallows in selfish passive-aggressive pleading and hyperbole. a taste of the phrases which i am beginning to hate:

-'is this a thing?' / '[insert action/newly coined terminology], it's a thing' - like what does that even mean?!? if you want to say that something is beginning to have meaning for you, come right out and say it.

-similarly, '[action] is a thing that happens [somewhere]' - you could take out the 2nd to 5th words and it would have the same meaning. why the waffling? i really don't understand, don't want to either.

-'so there's that' / '[insert general statement, usually in melancholic tone], so.' - SO.. WHAT? SO YOU ARE SAD, SO YOU WANT SYMPATHY, WHAAAT? usually these statements follow so-called first world problems such as minor injuries, biopsychosocial or otherwise. sidenote, you know what my version of a first-world problem is? when 90% of people who use electric toothbrushes have gingival recession.

-'what am i supposed to do now.' - or other similar statement, note, no, it is not a question because there is no question mark. this is a statement of weak futility and/or 'ambivalence' as defined by winona ryder in girl interrupted, which is to say, that you actually don't care and are therefore being 'ironic'.

-'shaking and crying' - again, i understand you are experiencing emotions, but i believe that you are curled up in a wet vibrating ball just as much as i believe you really laugh audibly when you LOL. again, mostly due to 'irony' because these emotions usually follow something terribly mundane, though you are trying to explain that it actually means a lot to you!

-'clean [or other verb] all the things!!' - a la hyperbole and a half. it got old very quickly. just like 'i want to go to there.' oh har har i don't even watch 30 rock and i am happy for you that you can share your knowledge that this is where the phrase originated.

-linking to your own blog post via twitter, via quoting yourself or summing up your point with another femotion waffle. i mean, sure, self-promotion, i too can quote tegan and sara.

so ultimately my conclusion is that with the advent of twitter and facebook status updates people try to be funny all the time and really they should stop. either you are funny, or you can use one of the above tropes to appear 'ironic', or something, upon which occurrence i proceed to rip you a new one, in my mind.

p.s. i momentarily considered linking to this on my twitter but that would be way too passive-aggressive not to mention unspeakably hypocritical, ho ho ho.

p.p.s. i am fully aware that i am being harsh and mean but these are not really 'judgements' (which i am trying to give up in general) when the inherent uncertain tone leaves them open to interpretation and critical analysis, right? THE PERSON WHO READS THE TEXT IS ALWAYS RIGHT.